“Hazel, I have been Beamed !” Harry hollered as he staggered through the backdoor, and struggled into a chair at the Kitchen Table, holding his sweaty head in his large, work-worn hands.
Hazel stopped dusting her steaks into the flour mixture on the wax paper in front of her on top of the Kitchen counter.
“Harry, I hid your bottle of Jim Beam, ‘cause you’ve been nippin’ at it a bit too much durin’ the work day. So, how in the world could you be ‘Beamed’ ?”
“No, no, Hazel ! I have not been drinkin’, Lord knows I’d feel better about all of this if I had, but I have been Beamed !”
Hazel returned to the dusting of her raw steaks. “Harry, did you fall asleep watchin’ that ‘Beam Me Up, Scottie’ Space series you like so much ?” Hazel queried calmly. “Maybe, you just woke up from a bad dream about bein’ zapped by one of those E.T.’s you’re so fond of watchin’ on t.v. ?”
“Hazel, will you listen to what I am sayin’ to you, and stop floppin’ those steaks around in that flour ! Look at
me !” Harry demanded.
Hazel wiped her hands on her flowered apron and turned around to stare at Harry. “Alright, Harry, I’m lookin’ straight at you. You have my full attention.”
“Hazel, when I was workin’ on the leaks in the tractor’s radiator in the barn, all of a sudden, out of thin air, I heard these high pitched, super-sonic noises ringin’ in my ears that gave me a splittin’ headache on the spot !”
“Hazel, I have been Beamed by one of those Russian super-sonic, sonar devices !”
Hazel turned back around, and returned to dusting her chicken-fried-steaks-to-be.
“Hazel, I’m not kiddin’ ! And I’m not dreamin’ or drinkin’ although I could sure use one right about now. I have been Beamed ! My ears are still ringin‘, and my head is still splittin’ in two !”
“Harry, it’s probably an episode of Tinnitus that you’re havin’,” Hazel said matter-of-factly.
“I do not have Tetanus ! Especially not in my ears, Hazel ! I have been Beamed by a Russian Spy, just like those American ambassadors and diplomats who left Cuba !” Harry insisted. “Maybe they’re runnin illegal experiments in these parts, and have randomly chosen me to be one of their guinea pigs !”
“Harry, none of our neighbors are Russians. They’re all of Polish, German, Swedish, African and Mexican descent. They’re all ranchers or farmers, ranchin‘ and farmin‘ on land they‘ve had for generations.. They do not have time to be Spies for Russia or anybody else for that matter. They do not have enough time to run around zappin’ middle aged men with strange sonic weapons repairin’ their tractors. They‘re too busy makin‘ a livin‘ for their own families.”
“Don’t you care about what’s happenin’ to me, Hazel ? It‘s all over the news. These crazy governments all over the world are wastin‘ our Tax dollars on sonic weapons that make folks heads ring like rung bells and crack like over cooked boiled eggs. It‘s a wonder that I can still walk and talk.”
“Harry, of course, I care. And you’re right, you do not have Tetanus in your ears. But you do have Tinnitus. The Doc told you so over a month ago, and you argued with him about it. Don’t you remember ?”
“Of course, I remember. I’m not Senile. At least not yet.” Harry paused before continuing, “Hazel, what if gettin’ Beamed makes you Senile before your time ?”
“Harry, I’m gonna’ call Doc Boehne’s office first thing in the mornin‘, and get you in for an examination.”
“You don’t think that you should rush me to the hospital right now, Hazel ?”
“Harry, I have dinner to finish and livestock and chickens and hogs to feed and tend to. I do not have time for this ‘Beam Me Up, Scottie’ foolishness.”
“Now, Harry, do us both a favor, and take a deep breath, and hold it.”
Harry groaned, but when he saw the all too familiar set of Hazel’s Irish jaw, he took a big breath, and held it.
“Now, hold your nose and shut your mouth tight.”
Harry’s rolled his eyes, but he did it.
“Good. Now, blow as hard as hard as you can, and do not open your mouth or let go of your nose.”
Harry glared at Hazel, but he did it.
“Good, now hold it ‘til I tell you to stop.”
Hazel counted to ten Mississippi out loud before finally saying, “Alright, let go.”
Red-purple faced and gasping for air, Harry sputtered, “Are you tryin’ to kill me, woman ?”
“No, Harry, I Love you. Now, how do your ears and head feel ?”
Harry paused for a while, and said, “Well, my ears popped somethin’ terrible, and now they feel like they’re stuffed full of cotton.”
“Are you ears ringin‘,” Hazel asked mildly.
“Just barely. But I think that’s because I can barely hear the ringin’ or much of anything else right now, ’cause of what you had me do.”
“How’s the headache ?”
“It’s less achy.” Harry began to grin and relax just a bit. “Hazel, you are a Miracle Worker !” Harry got up from the chair, and headed toward the back door. “Thank you, Hon.”
“Don’t mention it, Sweetie. You headin’ back out to work on the radiator ?”
“Nope. I’m gonna’ go feed the cows and horses, and throw some scratch at the chickens, and slop at the hogs, while you finish fixin’ dinner,” Harry said as the screen door screeched shut behind him.
“Well, Beam Me Up, Scottie,” Hazel said grinning as she exuberantly flopped another steak into her special flour mixture.