Dutch Report

From the original Ovi magazine (Ovi lehti in Finnish)

Giant Lego Man Washes Ashore in Holland

A giant 2.5 meter Lego man mysteriously washed up on the Dutch resort of Zandvoort joining the ranks of such publicity stunts as 1984’s giant Swatch in Frankfurt and a life-size Lego crane that hit Chile last year. The plastic invader was wearing a shirt with the words, “NO REAL THAN YOU ARE,” which makes it unclear if this was even done by Lego.

Workers at a drinks stall rescued the Lego man, with a traditional yellow head and blue torso. “We saw something bobbing about in the sea and we decided to take it out of the water,” said a stall worker. A woman nearby added, “I saw the Lego toy floating towards the beach from the direction of England.”

Dutch authorities will be taking the man into custody to determine whether he is eligible for asylum status after officials believe he escaped from Denmark’s Legoland Billund after suffering from countless human rights violations. “The Lego man appears to be in shock because he hasn’t spoken or stopped smiling since his rescue,” another official stated.

Crackdown on magic mushrooms

The famously liberal Netherlands has been swinging toward the right, cracking down on immigration, religious freedoms and the freewheeling red light district. The next possible target is magic mushrooms following the death of a 17-year-old French girl, who jumped from a building after eating psychedelic mushrooms while on a school visit.

Regulation of mushrooms is even less stringent than Holland’s famously loose laws on marijuana, which is illegal but tolerated in “coffee shops” that are a major tourist attraction. In May, Health Minister Ab Klink ordered the national health institute to perform a new study on the risks of mushrooms.

At a press conference, a spokesman for the national health institute was unable to answer reporters’ questions concerning the progress of the study after screaming that a huge Lego man was trying to steal his packet of stroopwaffels.

Flood of complaints against call to ban Koran

Police have received a flood of complaints against a call to ban the Koran made by MP Geert Wilders, leader of the anti-immigration party PVV, last week, reports ANP news service on Wednesday. The exact number of complaints is not yet known but run into ‘scores’ from around the country, a spokesman for the public prosecution service in Amsterdam said.

The Dutch right-wing politician, known for his views favouring the restriction of immigration, particularly from non-Western countries, his criticism of, and opposition to, Islam, suggested that Muslims should ‘tear out half of the Koran if they wished to stay in the Netherlands’ because it contained ‘terrible things’ and that Muhammad would ‘in these days be hunted down as a terrorist’.

Dutch liberals are planning on sending Geert Wilders a plate of magic mushrooms and space cakes for his birthday on September 6 in the hope that he lightens the hell up and kills the brain cells responsible for his prejudice.

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